Every eight days in the Netherlands, a woman is killed by her current or former partner.
The number has remained largely unchanged for the past fifteen years.
For a modern country that prides itself on equality, safety and the rule of law, this statistic is deeply troubling. Yet the dynamics behind many of these killings are still not widely understood in the Netherlands. One key concept is coercive control.
Understanding this pattern is essential, because femicide rarely happens suddenly.
In many cases, it follows a recognisable trajectory. Homicide is the most extreme outcome of coercive control. Not all abusive relationships escalate to this level. However, research shows that when patterns of control intensify and remain unrecognised, the risk of severe or lethal violence can increase.
Women are most often the victims
Both men and women can become victims of coercive control and partner violence.
However, the vast majority of victims in severe cases are women. More than half of all women murdered in the Netherlands are killed by a current or former partner. For men, the percentage is below five percent. For that reason, discussions about femicide often focus on women.
Another common misconception is that domestic abuse is linked to specific social groups. In reality, coercive control occurs in all layers of society. It is not connected to educational level, nationality, religion, ethnicity or income.
Abusive relationships exist in wealthy neighbourhoods and modest ones, among highly educated professionals as well as among people with fewer resources.
What is coercive control?
Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour in which one partner systematically dominates and isolates the other. Unlike physical violence alone, it operates through psychological, emotional and social control.
It often begins subtly.
At the start of the relationship, the controlling partner may appear intensely loving and attentive. This phase is sometimes described as love bombing: excessive affection, constant contact and a rapid push towards commitment.
Over time, the dynamic shifts.
The controlling partner may begin to isolate their partner from friends and family, monitor communication and movements, manipulate through guilt or threats, undermine the victim’s confidence through gaslighting, create financial dependence, or intimidate and humiliate.
Physical violence may occur later, but coercive control often exists long before that.
Because it is largely psychological, it can remain invisible to outsiders for years.
A pattern recognised worldwide
Research by British criminologist Dr Jane Monckton Smith shows that domestic homicides typically follow a recognisable timeline.
Her eight-stage model demonstrates that partner killings are rarely spontaneous acts of passion. Instead, they often develop through escalating control.
The stages often include a history of stalking or abusive behaviour, a relationship that becomes serious very quickly, the establishment of coercive control, and a trigger event such as separation or the victim regaining independence.
This is often followed by escalation, increased stalking or threats, contemplation of homicide, planning and eventually the killing itself.
This research challenges the widespread myth that domestic killings happen in a sudden emotional outburst. In many cases, they are the final stage of a long process of control.
Intimate terror: the hidden form of domestic violence
Dutch experts increasingly use the term intieme terreur (literally translated as “intimate terrorism”) to describe severe forms of coercive control.
In these relationships, one partner systematically dominates the other through manipulation, threats and psychological violence.
Victims often describe a gradual loss of autonomy. Their partner may control daily decisions, finances, social contacts and sometimes even access to their own children.
If the victim tries to leave the relationship, the situation may escalate dramatically.
Separation is one of the most dangerous moments in an abusive relationship.
A difficult reality: most perpetrators appear “normal”
One of the most unsettling aspects of coercive control is that many perpetrators do not fit a clear psychological profile.
Most do not have a mental disorder.
They often appear socially competent, successful and respected in their professional or social environment. To outsiders, they may seem charming, calm or reasonable.
This can make it extremely difficult for victims to be believed.
It also explains why coercive control can continue for years before professionals recognise what is happening.
Slowly changing awareness in the Netherlands
For a long time, the Dutch legal system and support organisations had limited awareness of coercive control as a distinct pattern of abuse.
It took the work of several trailblazing lawyers, researchers and advocates – many of them women – to place coercive control on the agenda of courts, policymakers and support organisations.
Institutions such as Veilig Thuis (the Dutch national advice and reporting centre for domestic violence), the Raad voor de Kinderbescherming (Child Protection Board), and the judiciary are gradually incorporating this knowledge into their work.
The goal is to improve recognition of abuse patterns and provide more effective protection for victims and children.
Important steps have been taken in recent months. At the same time, many professionals are still learning how to recognise patterns of psychological abuse and how to respond to them. As knowledge spreads, the hope is that victims will receive more consistent and better-informed support.
A gap between criminal law and family law
Another challenge lies in the way domestic abuse is assessed in different legal contexts.
In criminal law, the focus is primarily on safety and violations of legal rules. Violence and threats are evaluated as offences that must be investigated and prosecuted.
Family law operates differently. Here, courts often focus on maintaining parental contact and encouraging cooperation between former partners. Mediation or communication between parents is frequently encouraged.
For victims of coercive control, this can be deeply problematic.
A woman who refuses mediation because it exposes her to further control may appear uncooperative in court. Meanwhile, psychological abuse may receive less attention because it is harder to prove than physical violence.
Many experts therefore argue that courts should pay closer attention to patterns of behaviour, not only to communication between partners.
In other words: actions should matter more than words.
Recognising the signs
One of the biggest challenges is that coercive control often remains invisible for a long time.
Friends, neighbours and even professionals may only see fragments of what is happening.
Victims themselves may struggle to recognise the pattern, particularly when manipulation and gaslighting have undermined their confidence.
Learning to identify early warning signs can therefore be crucial.
For example, a relationship that develops extremely quickly may deserve a closer look. If a new partner overwhelms someone with intense attention, gifts and declarations of love while pushing for rapid commitment – moving in together, pregnancy or marriage – this may feel romantic, but it can also be an early warning sign of control.
Slowing down the pace of a relationship can sometimes reveal how a partner reacts when they do not get immediate control.
Seeking help
Leaving an abusive relationship can be complex and emotionally difficult. It can also be dangerous. The moment a victim attempts to leave is often when the perpetrator feels their control slipping away, which may trigger escalation.
In the Netherlands, several organisations provide support for victims of domestic violence. One of the most important contact points is Veilig Thuis, the national advice and reporting centre for domestic abuse.
If you suspect that someone in your environment may be experiencing abuse, you can contact Veilig Thuisfor advice or to make a report. Reports from friends, neighbours or professionals can be particularly valuable. Victims of coercive control are sometimes not immediately believed, because psychological abuse can be difficult to recognise. When people around them also raise concerns, it can help professionals understand the situation more quickly.
Supporting someone in an abusive relationship requires patience and care. Victims often develop highly refined instincts for reading the perpetrator’s moods and reactions. What may seem irrational to outsiders – for example staying in the relationship despite violence – may actually be a survival strategy.
For this reason, support is often more helpful than advice. Listening, believing and remaining available can be more valuable than telling someone what they should do.
Legal support
In situations involving coercive control, mediation is usually not appropriate. Mediation assumes a relatively equal relationship between two parties who can negotiate with each other. In abusive relationships, that balance is absent.
In such cases, legal advice can be an important step. A specialised family lawyer can help assess the situation, explain legal options and discuss what evidence may be relevant in court.
Legal support alone cannot solve the complex emotional and social consequences of abuse. However, lawyers often work together with other professionals and can point victims towards additional resources such as shelters, counselling services, support groups and local assistance programmes.
For international residents, language barriers can make this process even more difficult. Multilingual legal professionals can help bridge this gap by explaining the Dutch legal system and available support in a language victims feel comfortable with.
Platforms such as Counselr connect expats with lawyers who speak their language and understand the legal landscape in the Netherlands.
Understanding your rights and knowing where to turn for support can be an important first step towards safety and independence.
Picture: Screenshot of the Coercive Control – Where is the line? YouTube video from the North-Ireland Ards and North Down Borough Council on coercive control.